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Canadian Politics – A Primer

Every now and again, we’ll publish an article on politics. We try to keep our thoughts north of the border unless it’s something that’s going to effect the world stage, and even then it’s only a once in a while thing. We talk comics and video games and movies because we enjoy those things. We publish original fiction because fiction is important and culture defining.

We talk politics because we have to.

The federal election that’s coming up down south is happening, yes, but there’s another one coming up in Canada that our friends down south don’t know about, and, if we’re going to be fair, our government is much more interesting than theirs. And usually saner, though that’s slipping away.

So, the election is on October 19th, and we’re going to take a look at the politics of the parties and what they claim to represent – and what they actually do. While we usually are able to argue the subjective merits of one thing or another, there’s a lot of objective information we can look at with our politicians and see who they are and hypothesize where they’re going.

Now, while we are objective, we are not neutral. When someone comes to a debate and starts arguing with information that has nothing to do with what’s being discussed, their argument becomes invalid. If we want to talk about, say, climate change, and someone starts talking about their death cult, we’re going to call them on their bullshit.

And, in the name of Scott Wyatt, we’re going to have a little bit of fun with this.

The Federal Canadian Political Parties Include:

Canada Politics 001 - 005The Grits

Also called the Liberals, they used to fall on the center-left of the political spectrum but now sit more center-right, having been dragged their by the attempted fascism of the Tories (see below). Traditionally, their leaders were charismatic individuals who stood by cautiously progressive policies with a common sense approach. More recently, they’ve employed a number of charisma-less leaders who have had no solid grounding on any particular subject. Their greatest champion was Justin Trudeau, a former Prime Minister (like the President, but Canadian), and his son recently entered the political scene and totally kow-towed to Torie Fascism, which may have killed the party.

Canada Politics 001 - 002The Tories

A long time ago, they were center-right and the counter balance of the Grits. Back then, they were the Progressive Conservatives, but then there were some things that happened and the party imploded. Some people stayed behind, but their more extreme members formed the Reform Party, and their competent and sane people went and joined the Greens. The people left behind flailed about, eventually conning the Reform Party into rejoining, and then they decided they wanted to be the GOP and have been pushing an agenda of greed, fear, corruption, and fascism under the leadershit of Stephen Harper. Expect us to talk a lot about Harper and the Tories over the next few weeks.

Canada Politics 001 - 006The NDP

Once upon a time, the NDP were a socialist party that pushed a lot of far left ideas and never had a chance of getting in. Stephen Harper’s fascist policies have driven the whole political spectrum right, however, making the NDP a solid choice for the left and progressives alike. Generally speaking, the NDP wants to tax the rich with the idea of making education, healthcare, and opportunity available for all, which they believe will lead to a greater degree of economic growth and stability. They seem like good people on the Federal level, but when they achieve power on a provincial level they tend to bungle things horribly. Their leader, Tom Muclair, makes a lot of sense and has some interesting ideas. Most likely to win the next federal election simply because people hate Harper and Trudeau let everyone down.

Canada Politics 001 - 004The Greens

The Greens were a useless bunch of nothings for a good long time, but then the Tories exploded and a bunch of them ended up here. They studied up on the party’s policies but applied Torie thinking to them, and we all ended up with Red Greens – an organized core of leadership that pushes forward cautious progression and an environmental platform that is grounded in economic growth. Their leader, Elizabeth May, is the most well-spoken and informed of the various candidates, and she’d make a great Prime Minister. The problem is that most people still think of the Greens as a useless bunch of nothings, or don’t believe the Greens can win and thus cast their vote for anyone that isn’t Harper. This is called strategic voting, and it only works because Canada has multiple parties.

Canada Politics 001 - 003The Bloc

More properly called the Bloc Quebecois, this party is centered in Quebec and only cares about Quebec. They are determined to argue that Quebec is a distinct society from the rest of Canada – which anyone could argue in favor of – and that they are better than everyone else and deserve special compensation because of it – which no one but them can argue in favor of. Think of them as a villain from a James Bond movie; they frequently threaten to leave Canada with no clearly defined goal as to what that would look like, but their constant whining and threats basically allows them to hold the rest of the country hostage so that they can get stuff. They then do nothing with this stuff.

Canada Politics 001 - 007Wyatt Scott

A recent addition, he is an independent that has no party and doesn’t need one. Instead, he slays dragons, makes friends with aliens, and protects the country from giant robot invasions with his laser eyes. His political goals fall in somewhere between the Greens and the NDP, and while he most likely will not become Prime Minister, there’s a good chance that he will make it to Parliment (sort of the American version of Congress). His presence there has a good chance of mixing things up, which is good: we need a legitimate superhero after suffering more than a decade of Harper fascism.

Those are our parties and their leaders, the hopeful that think that they could run the country. We’ll go into more depth as to where they stand on various issues presently, but we want to help people understand what it is they’re hoping to be in charge of. Canada is a massive country with not so many people, just a lot of trees and snow and things. That said, there’s a massive divide in the cultures that abound here, with only a love of the environment, hockey, and beer holding us together as one people.

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One Response to Canadian Politics – A Primer

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