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Bi-Monthly B-Movie: Orc Wars and Ninja Shadow of a Tear

Welcome to Bi-Monthly B-Movie, an article where we look at the very best of the very worst movies we can get our grubby paws on. We’re aiming for the sorts of things made by studios you’ve never heard of, and starring people you don’t want to. Why are we looking at these films? They’re fun to heckle. Just ask the Gentleman Hecklers, who are professionals. For those looking for a more amateur experience, or some light (very light) entertainment, these are the very best in quality.

Ranking comes in five categories, but they’re a little skewed because these movies are never good. Never, ever, good. Well, rarely. Still, acting, direction, sound design, script, and entertainment are things that these movies presumably have, so we figure they’ll be noted using a single symbol that can be broken into four pieces, like so: LMM Tree of Life One Quarter,  LMM Tree of Life HalfLMM Tree of Life Three Quarters, and LMM Tree of Life.

We’ll provide links to Amazon for these movies. We’ll also misquote some things we heard in these movies. Feel free to reply with your own quotes should you suffer through these films. We’ll pick a winner every couple weeks, and send you an e-prize.

Everyone on board? Cool.

Orc Wars, also called DragonFyre.

Who to Blame: Arrowstorm Entertainment

Okay, so there’s an elf princess trying to escape an army of orcs – or maybe thirty orcs, it depends on how many extras they were able to afford. The orcs are not willing to put up with any of the elf princess’ shit, so when she runs into a cave they’re pretty sure they have her until some dude in a trenchcoat shows up with a shotgun and starts offing orcs.

He dies, but don’t worry – there’s an American handy, an old war veteran who just bought a house in the middle of nowhere without ever having seen it, and he’s a fixin’ himself to go huntin’ some o’ them there orc. After the elf princess holds him at knifepoint, we get him grabbing a gun and telling the orcs to get off his lawn. I think we’ll call him ‘America.’

More orcs show up, so America rallies and gathers a team, including a redneck with a heart of gold, a blind mystical native samurai, the elf princess, and his realtor. They use a battle truck made in America, so the orcs unleash a dragon, because, well, dragon. The dragon dies and goes to CGI heaven, which is where all dragons go when they die.

The orcs kidnap the princess, but the blind native samurai shows up and tries to save the day. He is not American enough, though, so he dies to give America something to avenge as well as a princess to save. The lead orc, who was tortured by America earlier, is the one who actually saves the day after demanding the emancipation of his people from the tyranny of the evil witch they’re all slaves to.

Pictured: Civil Rights Activist

Pictured: Civil Rights Activist

America kills the witch, and we’re sort of threatened with the possibility of a sequel. It should also be noted that America punched the dragon across a cave, because of course America did. For America~!

A terrifically terrible film with a fantastic premise and a socially-conscious orc, which more movies should have.

Those orcs could have gone anywhere, but they brought their war to America~!”

Acting  + Direction LMM Tree of Life Three Quarters + Sound Design  + Script  + Entertainment  = LMM Tree of Life Three Quarters

 

 

Ninja: Shadow of a Tear

Who to Blame: Millennium Films

Some dude spars with his wife at the local dojo that took him in, then he goes and flashes money while buying her some jewelry. Thugs notice, so they mug him. He beats the crap out of them, then lets them keep his wallet and his money to show us that he is a nice guy, or possibly lacking any sort of cognitive ability. Later, he goes to buy stuff for the pregnant wife he was sparring with earlier, only to realize he never took his wallet or money back.

Meanwhile, his wife is murdered by some mysterious stranger. A mysterious friend shows up from Thailand for the funeral, arriving shortly before the murder took place and identifying the murder weapon as that used by a crime lord operating somewhere in the jungles of Burma. He specializes in heroin. Seems the mysterious friend and the crime boss and the wife’s dad have a history. Filled with this information, our hero tracks down and murders the two guys he let steal his money, which seems like a really high interest rate for what I guess was a loan?

"You are behind on your payments."

“You are behind on your payments.”

Anyway, he flies to Thailand and joins the ninja academy run by the mysterious friend, who receives a mysterious package that is not heroin. Also, some of the students are wearing poppies on their uniforms, which is not foreshadowing of any kind. The crime lord kills another student instead of the hero, so the hero goes to Burma and picks up plucky comic relief, who later betrays him. Our hero escapes anyway.

We get a little bit of grave-robbing, and then our hero launches a ninja attack on the crime lord. Midboss makes an appearance, but cannot keep the crime lord from picking up a rather fatal case of death. Our hero returns to the dojo of the mysterious friend who receives another package of not-heroin, only it is heroin and our hero figures out the whole thing was a set up.

The mysterious friend offers to join forces with the hero after murdering his wife and using him to kill a business rival, but our hero seems to think fighting to the death is a better option. They do, and he wins. The students are ashamed of the mysterious friend, and kick the hero out. That is actually how this movie ends.

A terrible film that is utterly watchable thanks to some great martial arts dueling.

Acting  + Direction  + Sound Design  + Script  + Entertainment  = 

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